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The Itch to Pitch: In Space, No One’s Ear Canal Is Clean

May 27, 2011

Joey's preeeegnaaaaaaannnnttt!

This is the boyishness of the Starship Enterprise’s idiot captain.

Right? Right?

They were barely out of the Academy. Young adults exploring the huge expanse of the Alpha Quadrant in the cramped tin of beans they call the Starship Enterprise. Young adults — kids, really, looking for a place to call home. Where will their lives lead them? Probably into a tidy 90-minute action adventure, but who knows? Certainly not them: it surprises them every time, the silly youngsters. Anyway. Now, let’s join our cast for…

Star Trek II: Nocturnal Tetryon Emissions

Capt. Kirk: Mister Sulu, lay in a course for Astrid’s home planet. I want to pay my girl a visit.

Spock: Sir, we’re on a mission to make first contact with her species. We’re already travelling to her planet. At Warp Eight. Also, logic dictates that you shouldn’t be consorting with Astrid: she is their Prime Minister’s daughter, and you are a notorious cad.

Kirk: Praxis take your logic: I want to make third and fourth contact with Astrid. Get my drift, Sulu? Eh?

Sulu:  A-hah-a-ha-ha, sir. Two hours till arrival.

Kirk: Excellent, Mister Sulu. Any last suggestions, Spock, before I go to my ready room to make myself pretty?

Spock: Well, Captain, you should at least give her a complimentary hypospray of your… topical… ointment.

Kirk: Spooooock! You promised you wouldn’t tell in front of my friends! I hate you!

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