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I Bought a Mouse! Where? There On the Chair.

May 22, 2011

Actually, there's probably a reason they haven't. Sah.

How lucky I am.

I don't actually.

I think if there’s one thing I’ll forever hold against The Witcher 2 (and I don’t think anyone would find much to hold against it, except perhaps that there isn’t enough of it and the sequel will probably take a while to get here, and also some Bioware folks might find something to hate about it, in the same way Hulk Hogan probably hates every wrestler under 35 for doing his job better and prettier and without a body made of scrap metal) it’s this thing: it was the game that finally convinced me to UPGRADE my mouse. Sure, I’ve bought mice before – it’s not like I was going to use my netbook’s crappy little touchpad, after all. But this is the first time I’ve upgrded. In this case, from a bog-standard Alienware “Eh, you’ve bought a PC, you’ll probably need this too” rodent to a Logitech MX518, ordered from earlier tonight.

I feel like I’ve bought into a shadowy industry that shouldn’t really exist; as if I’d bought a “gaming keyboard”, one of those ridiculous slabs of plastic periphery that removes nearly everything east of the “G” key, and then marks up the price by 400%. (I mean, come on, gamers still need all those other keys to complain aimlessly on forums, right?) (Actually, speaking of ill-advised keyboard shenanigans: for pretty much a decade, I played PC games using the cursor keys instead of the WASD keys, so those gaming keyboards would have been extra useless for me. Using the cursor keys made sense at the time – pressing an up arrow to move up seems infallibly logical.* But I’ve learned my lesson, albeit only due to a horrible PC port of Dead Space not allowing me to rebind movement keys. I bet someday some game will force me to play with my mouse’s Y-axis non-inverted, and my brain will melt into a fizzing goo and drizzle out my nostrils and stain my carpet and everything. Damn console ports ruining my carpets.**)

This mouse is probably not quite that bad an investment, really. I could probably use an extra five buttons for something besides quicker access to sign-casting in Witcher 2. Like… um… iron sights in shooters? Deus Ex 3 will probably have some really extravagant control options, I guess? Slightly more efficient internet browsing? Challenging polyrhythmic mouse-click music?

I shouldn’t be allowed look at shops on the internet. Earlier on, I almost bought the soundtrack to Revenge of the Sith, just for the bonus DVD examining the contributions John Williams made to the franchise overall. I know it’d be almost-worthless and totally vacuous, but still, Williams’ scores were the one thing that remained consistently excellent in those movies. (Full disclosure: listenin’ to the Empire soundtrack as I type.) Besides, it’s only a tenner.


* Even worse confession than that: before switching to the cursor keys, I used a joypad. With no analog sticks or anything. For about a month, I played Dark Forces II without a y-axis. I know, right?

** The Witcher 2 actually tried to force me to use a non-inverted y-axis. I quickly administered the smackdown to the game’s .ini file and sense was restored to my vertical orientation. Seriously, non-inverted y-axes are the sole preserve of fatheaded idiots, and I will fight any game developer who doesn’t include the option.

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