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Koming to a Konklusion on Mortal Kombat Legacy: Part Six

May 19, 2011

NUMBER OF READERS: Sub-Zero. A ha.

Is anybody still watching this? Why would anyone still be watching this. They could be playing The Witcher 2.

Set tazers to stunningly awful, right guys? Guys?

Episode Six

What? No. Who even wanted this?

Any adaptation that’s cowardly enough to start with what’s basically an apology for the liberties it’s taking with the franchise is probably not a very good adaptation. Little rule of thumb there. Any apology that tries to justify the liberties taken with the franchise by using the words “gritty realism” is an apology I have no interest in accepting, on account of this quote from my very first Legacy review: “I was very much prepared to hate the “realistic, because, gritty” attitude this reboot was promising.” The exact buzzwords I foresightedly mocked them for using are now introducing me to what’s probably be the very worst episode of an awful series.

AAUUGGGGHH.

In fact, let’s have that little apology in full.

The following episode represents my individual take on the Mortal Kombat universe.

I think it combines the perfect amount of gritty realism mixed with a hint of mysticism.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

 – Kevin Tancharden

This doesn’t make sense on at least four dozen levels.

Firstly, is this still supposed to be an introduction to the characters in the game, rather than a standalone thing? Because if it is, then what? Was Kevin Tancharden given a different game to the one released last month? One where Raiden – instead of travelling back in time to alter the course of Mortal Kombat – is a mental patient who can turn into blue goop? (“But wait,” you say, looking up from leaving a poorly spelled comment on the video’s Youtube page. “Surely at the end, Raiden could be on his way to do all that stuff?” I do your shins in with a cricket bat.)

And if it these episodes are supposed to be a standalone thing (like I initially thought), then man, I’ve been way too kind to the last few.

Secondly, even aside from the nose-pinchingly punchworthy use of the phrase “gritty realism”, that second sentence is a complete disaster. It uses at least one word too many – that “mixed” is redundant, and reduces the sentence to absolute nonsense. If you’re combining “the perfect amount of gritty realism” with “a hint of mysticism”, that’s fine. If you’re mixing “the perfect amount of gritty realism” with “a hint of realism”, that’s also good. But if you’re combining “the perfect amount of gritty realism mixed with a hint of mysticism”, please specify with what you’re combining that. Otherwise I might vomit all over a child, just to make some unknowable point about the crimes you’re committing.

Thirdly, and finally, because I don’t have the patience to list the other forty five ways this is idiotic, surely all the episodes represent your individual take on the MK universe? And if not, perhaps you might have thought – just in passing, while you were eating an orange in catering, possibly, or as you were lying in bed thinking about how your Liu Kang is probably going to be an Austrian insurance salesman in an identity crisis – JUST SOMEWHERE, you might have thought that taking one episode aside to molest and reshape to your own demented standards is going to prove SOMEWHAT DAMAGING to the vague fragments of coherence to which the series was still slippingly clinging? Just maybe. What happens when Raiden interacts with – say – Kitana, whose story was very much NOT your individual take on the universe? What a brain-petrifyingly stupid decision to make.

Gaaaaarrrrhhhh. This is just like when The Two Towers tried to ignore the fact that The Fellowship of the Ring was a screwball frat comedy.

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