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Fixing Dark Angel Alba Myself

May 11, 2011

I WILL BE FOREVER A WASTREL

Before Jessica Alba became famous for being in Sin City and the Fantastic Four movies*, you may recall that she was unfamous for portraying Max in James Cameron’s slightly successful TV series Dark Angel. I glimpsed the deeveedee of the first series arriving by post AS IF BY MAGIC (or a brother’s credit card – I shall investigate), and decided while idly trouncing some foes in Crysis Warhead to watch some of it. Thus far, I have watched this many episodes: two episodes. Nevertheless, I feel entirely confident in my ability to go back in time to 1999 and make it a better TV show, in five easy steps.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt.

1: PAY A DOCTOR TO INVENT TIME TRAVEL

I expect I’ll lob a bag of fivers through a surgery window or something, and later receive the travel device by package delivery.

2: CHANGE THE THEME TUNE

It’s a diabolical rap song by Chuck D (of Public Enemy fame) and MC Lyte (of no fame whatsoever). The lyrics “describe” the universe the series is set in, in the quaint way TV series themes used to do, except here it’s not charming like it was in MASK. It’s completely rubbish, distractingly incongruent, and about as hideously annoying as a box of daytime TV hosts. Although it does contain this fantastic lyric: “The science, robot alliance / comes in all shapes, with fairly new apes takes for granted God planet.” Would that mere mortals could understand what that even means.

3: SCRAP THE ENTIRE THING, WAIT FIVE YEARS, AND MAKE IT A VIDEO GAME

Admittedly, this would mean losing Alba, one of the two marketable aspects of the show, but I suppose she could still voice Max in the game. (That would accomplish much the same thing, right? We’re all watching this show for the drama.) This is a good idea for two reasons. Mostly, because dumb dystopian future sci-fi action is pretty much what video games do best. But also because the setting, strong female lead and overwritten but nearly-likable dialogue remind me of the excellent and superior videogame, The Longest Journey (and to some extent, Dreamfall, its similarly excellent sequel). Guiding Max through an action adventure game developed by – say – Crystal Dynamics or Dice or perhaps even UbiSoft Montréal assuming they bothered hiring a not-awful writer for the endeavour would be quite fun, I’d imagine, especially if you could freely explore the post-technological-fallout America it’s set in, and kick tramps and stuff.

4: REALISE RADICAL ENTERTAINMENT ALREADY MADE A DARK ANGEL VIDEO GAME IN 2002 WHICH WAS TERRIBLE

Ah.

5: ON WAY BACK TO TIME MACHINE, ACCIDENTALLY STEP ON A BEETLE, CAUSING AN INCOMPREHENSIBLY HUGE TIME PARADOX

Oh no! Looks like we’re just getting started on a whole new zany adventure!

*INCREDIBLE PRE-EDIT VERSION REVEALED: “Before she was famous for… um… (consults notes)… Ah. Being mighty pretty.”

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