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Koming to a Konklusion on Mortal Kombat Legacy: Part Two

May 1, 2011

NUMBER OF READERS: Sub-Zero. A ha.

Happily, I didn’t meet my sad end on the sharp end of a double bass last night, and instead had a really wonderful time at the symphony. Turns out, orchestras are really loud and awesome, although I did feel slightly sorry for the guy in charge of the cymbals, which weren’t used for the first half hour or so, which meant he was charged with standing stoically in the back corner for very nearly the duration of Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra. I impressed myself by not bursting into a bad Ric Flair impression at the first cresting wave of brass (bad Ric Flair impression: pronouncing “whoooooo” as an extended question of identity) and also by not laughing at the funny faces the conductor made during same moments. I was also left with the vague idea that I should learn to play the French Horn, which was quickly dispelled upon checking the price of such a horn online and realising the cheapest option – and cheap in this instance meant over €200 – was a child’s “My First French Horn” type of thing, and the cheapest full size dealie was twice as pricey.

I no longer wish to play the French Horn.

I do, however, wish to continue with my ongoing series of idle jibes towards the Mortal Kombat: Legacy “webisodes”, and that costs me nothing but time and dignity. And I’ve got plenty of at least one of those. So onwards we duly march.

Okay, no.

Episode 2

This is getting quite stupid.

And I don’t even mean story-wise, or in terms of character development, or even the director’s nonsensical notion that each ep has to hit its climax on a grenade exploding in Jax’s face. Although it is undeniably stupid in all of those ways.

No: I’m talking about the fact that over 86% of the fight scene between Jax and Kano was slow motion shots of not-very-impressive things. I don’t need a slow motion shot of Jax walking towards Kano looking angry, nor do I need a slow motion shot of him bending backwards by thirty degrees to avoid a punch. I certainly don’t need a slow motion shot of Kano’s reaction to being hit with an uppercut (to wit: spasm chin joltingly and spit blood, simultaneously throwing arms out as Jax sulks towards camera), or of the newly-freed Sonya Blade (who escaped all by herself through an unlocked door, thanks to vibrations in the ceiling from the next storey loosening her chains. Which really isn’t the most secure imprisonment considering that upper storey contains vast amounts of heavy machinery no doubt thudding and humming away constantly at the remarkably thin floor. But anyway) shouting “JAX” at her partner, with the sound dramatically dropping out to show just how important it is that he scramble heroically away.

Turns out he didn’t, of course, which gives a tidy explanation to his silvery super-arms – his old fleshy ones were exploded, so they’re welding him a solution. Certainly a more convincing explanation than the reasoning the much-lamented Mortal Kombat: Annihilation provided: “Jax is a bit of an idiot, actually.”

Strangely for a series based on a notoriously gory and tasteless video game and distributed solely on the incurably uncensorable videoscope we call the internet, it’s bleeped out all the cusses. And left out the part of the “Kano gets eye replacement surgery” scene where his eye gets plucked from his skull. Apparently, it’s part of some idiotic Machinima ploy to muster up some views (“Once we hit 10,000, you can hear someone cuss once or twice!”) which wouldn’t be so bad if the first episode didn’t leave all the sweary bits in, rendering their entire scheme pointless and stupid. The pointless, stupid idiots.

Either way, it’s not like the episode merits repeat viewing. I’ve never seen so slight a story be split into two parts. Admittedly, the two parts barely add up to twenty minutes, but that’s very nearly the length an episode of 30 Rock or something. Hell, most three-minute episodes of the 2003 Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon told more substantial stories, and that Mace Windu episode had far better action. And yes, I can hear you purely hypothetical readers sternly reminding me that approaching a Mortal Kombat web series with story in mind is like approaching Hitler with a view to sharing a nice bowl of Borscht, but it’s not like the fight scenes were even remotely entertaining. The vast majority of the action was at half-speed. It’s like getting really stoned and watching some bad MMA. As the nudist said to the seamstress, there is nothing worthwhile about these shorts.

I suspect I’ll feel slightly less negatively about the next episode, since it’s about Johnny Cage. Perhaps they’ll bring the same winking levity to the part that Linden Ashby gave it in the first movie. Except in slow motion, obv.

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