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Far Cry 3: Further Crying

March 10, 2011

This is how the game doesn't look.

After complaining bitterly about how tediously frustrating playing through Far Cry 2 was, I took the obvious step of stubbornly refusing to stop until I’d plowed through to the strangely low-key finale. All in all, it was a fairly enjoyable bout of shooting men in the face, but it was an odd case of a game where most of the mechanics are pushing against you ever having fun, you horrible joyless consumer. Finally running into action having meticulously plotted your battle plan against these mercenary toughs? Have an attack of malaria! Because that’s fun. And – oh! – now your weapon’s jammed. And there’s someone shooting rockets at you with unerring accuracy despite the fact that you’re hidden in 14 miles of solid jungle. And then, once you’ve somehow managed to kill everyone, they respawn as soon as you drive out of sight.

I hate you, Far Cry 2. You are lucky you are beautiful.

Anyway, with such a singular attitude towards the concept of fun, I think Far Cry 2 deserves a sequel that builds on its core values of punishment and unfairness. So! Here’s a list of gameplay mechanics I want to see front and centre in Far Cry 3: Cry Further.

Nothing but the most professional for you, my dear no readers.

ALLERGIES

This is basically just an extension of the malaria gimmick from FC2, except this time, instead of being a life-threatening disease, it’ll just be some mild sniffles and a fancy “eyes watering” graphical effect. To maintain tension, you have to dab at your eyes every so often to make sure you’ll still be able to see when in the middle of a terrifyingly loud firefight. Also, for some reason, handkerchiefs are only available from underground vendors. Antihistamines can function as a kind of currency.

ACCURATE ANATOMICAL DAMAGE

This sounds more exciting than it really is, because it’s stirring up memories of Deus Ex in your hot, intimidating brain. Instead, it’s just an irritating bit where, if you get shot in the leg, you have to go buy a cane, which you’ll be required to use for three missions, since that’s how long bullet wounds take to heal. Amusingly, you can use the cane to beat crims to death, and the game could even have a chucklesome moment where you wave your cane angrily at a speeding-away-with-your-drugs jeep. Or you could solve a tricky medical conundrum, while systematically destroying all of your personal relationships with a combination of razor sharp wit and utter lack of humanity. But that might be hard to code.

"Turf all!" "What?" "Turf all!"

CHEATING CHECKPOINT ENEMIES

This is technically a carry-over from FC2, except this time, instead of being an irritating flaw, it’ll be a promoted feature. Whenever you take out an enemy checkpoint, the dead bodies won’t disappear, ever. Instead, when you return to the checkpoint, the exact same gunmen will be there, bloodsoaked clothes and mortal wounds and all, merrily peppering you in your pretty face with bullets. They will never, ever go away, and you will hate them with the fury of a thousand suns. This is an example of how the game will allow you to form meaningful, soul-flaying relationships with non-player characters.

REALISTIC WIND PHYSICS

Having mastered fire in FC2, you now get to fiddle around with the second most fearsome element: wind. It allows you to impractically start a fire in a tactically advantageous position upwind of some mercs, and smoke them out of their nefarious hideout. More ostensibly, it will make leaves flutter prettily in a gentle breeze, and in the case of an extra-strong gust, cause the player character to stumble slightly while walking. It’s actually a rather useless effect, but it looks good on the back of the box.

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