Half-Life 3 Dev Commentary Revealed

Recently, the Internet noticed a file named hl3.txt was included in a DOTA 2 update, and everyone had a massive brain aneurysm and died. Or something. Later, everyone noticed it was probably mostly inconsequential.

OR WAS IT

Below, you’ll find some excerpts from what appear to be subtitles for Valve’s trademark Developer Commentary that were hidden away in the file. The’re not labelled by name, so it can be hard to know who’s saying what, but some bits are easy to guess. Don’t read on if you don’t want to see massive spoilers, obv.

I Played The Witcher 3, Then Wrote 930 Words About a Game from 2011

In a post-Witcher 3 lull, I went back and finally finished the Most Forgettable Game of 2011, id Software’s Rage. OR DID I?

Yes. I did.

Some thoughts.

If You’re Going to Lie About Splinter Cell, Do It With Conviction

9 facts about Splinter Cell that are so hard to believe, you probably shouldn’t.

Molyneux Boss, Same as The Old Boss

There’s nothing I can really add to the recent Peter Molyneux controversy. So, very quickly, here’s what I’m adding.

Maybe Your Best Course Would Be to Hoplitely

As a mobile game, the title “Hoplite” doesn’t immediately call to mind the spearmen of Ancient Greece, instead sounding a bit like the free trial of a cheap Hopscotch knockoff with numbers upwards of 4 locked behind a paywall. Hoplite is a bit like hopscotch, come to think of it, only rather than numbered squares, you have a hex-grid, and in place of childhood laughter and frivolity, you have a spectacular turn-based strategy game. So.

Assassin’s Creed: Reviewnity

 

Assassin’s Creed Unity is a really good game that suffers for also being a really terrible game.

Hmm.

Let’s unpack that a little.

It’s Called A Man-ifesto For a Reason

We just want to enjoy our video games without compromising our ethics. So:

1 – Video Game “Journalists” Can No Longer Play Video Games

All too often, these corrupt sell-outs award a game a favourable review, simply because they like it. By separating the game from the reviewer, we’ll prevent these BIASES from forming.

2 – These “Writers” Won’t Be Allowed to Talk to Developers, Publishers, or PR

If they collude, they’ll be corrupt. Journalists should gather their information on upcoming games from Youtube trailers (ideally encoded at 480p, lest they start favouring RESOLUTIONS over GAMEPLAY) and the comments underneath. All other news shall be compiled from unimpeachable MS Paint flowcharts.

3 – These “Journalists” Can No Longer Talk to Each Other

If they’re talking amongst themselves, that means they’re not talking to us about games, which means they HATE games, and by extension, gamers. They hate you. Any protestations they make—they’ll likely say something about dedicating their entire working lives to playing games and informing gamers—is nothing but a smokescreen for their secret Cabalistic mission to DESTROY video games in the name of Social Justice.

4 – We Do not Condone Harassment of Women

This includes inflammatory Twitter mentions, doxxing, death threats, menacing hand gestures, tough faces, derogatory comics, defamatory Youtube videos, offensive songs, and, of course, letter bombs. This extends to all women, with absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS.

5 – Females, on the other hand…

Females are to women what video game reviews are to press releases—corrupted versions of the same thing. Females are ALWAYS fair game for harassment. We actively encourage it, in fact, and will provide an introductory starter pack for novices in the near future. You may recognise a woman has become a dread Female if you find her in possession of the following:

i) a professional life

ii) a personal life

iii) an opinion, or

iv) reproductive organs